Mets, Nationals put fans through never-ending introductions

Had it been a scripted parody of the excesses within Major League Baseball, it couldn’t have been funnier. 

As seen, if not believed, Thursday night on SNY, the opening game rosters of the Mets and Nationals were introduced, and players and coaches lined up along the first-base and third-base lines until forced down both outfield lines. 

Not only was this perhaps the longest Opening Day intros in the Clocked Opening Day Intros Era, it included the largest cast — and in two acts, one per team. 

It began with Nats public address announcer Jerome Hruska reading from lists that began with the Mets’ equipment manager, then took a turn with the intro of the Mets’ “performance dietician,” “massage therapist,” “sports science coordinator,” “assistant performance coach,” “head performance coach,” “reconditioning therapist” and “coordinator of rehabilitation and reconditioning.” 

They were followed by the Mets’ “assistant athletic trainer,” “head athletic trainer” and “director of player health” until it reached those in baseball uniforms, starting with two bullpen coaches. 

One wondered if all the recent Mets injuries necessitated such a staff, or whether each charged by the diagnosis: “Strained quad: $600.” “Elbow inflammation: $750.” “Food poisoning: $500.” “Flu-like symptoms: $250.” “Flu: $299.99.” 

Next, the Nats: “director of field operations,” two “clubhouse managers,” “equipment manager,” “visiting clubhouse manager,” “umpires room attendant,” two “clubhouse attendants,” “clubhouse assistant” and “clubhouse and travel assistant.” 

Then more: “Quality assurance coordinator,” “manager of advanced scouting,” “coordinator of video and technology,” “major league video assistant,” “manager of major league strategy” (here I thought that was the manager!) and “executive director of medical services.” 

Still more: “director of athletic training,” both “athletic trainers,” “strength and conditioning coach,” “assistant major league strength coach,” “corrective exercise specialist” and a partridge in a pear tree, until those in baseball uniforms were introduced, starting with the “batting practice pitcher.” 

Unfortunates introduced first stood shivering on a cold, wet night, inviting flu-like symptoms. 

Over 22 minutes, 118 were introduced, about as many left in the stands when the game ended, 3:36 after it began. And all after a 1:16 rain delay! 

Pure satire. But at least, unlike the Mets-Nats on Friday, it appeared on local TV and not just a streaming service.